19/12/2009

It's time to leave my old heavy robe.
I am the one and only one to make a move.
I shouldn't blame to others, weather, environments.
I made a change within myself.


I don't need to hate either November or December.
Everything happens for reasons and it's coincidence or consequence.
all the happened and gone make you better or there are no more caught up in the traps.

All the sadness and sorrow blocks reality.

You and you the only one to get on the right track with your head up.

Among up and down, knocks and falls, you just need to move forward.

Move forward, move forward, move forward.

hurt

It is so hurt.. hurt..
can't stop tearing...

its too hurt...
too painful...

feeling like i m breaking myself into many pieces..
my body is feeling hurt.
the whold body is too hurt..
my chest is so pain.....
my eyes became very red..
omg, pls don't let other notice of my collapse.
i feel too weak...


nin pyaw par say..nin pyaw shwin par say....

14/12/2009

I am afraid of November and December..

Today was also the day for me.

I felt so hurt again..
I can't help..i really can't help...to see you..
I know my mind still can control of trying not to love you..

But, I don't know why..

May be I just want to let you know what's my feeling to him..

Like said, love is like a cloud, holds a lot of rain..

and love is just a lie for me..

why i am still walking in the circle.. when I can only break the chain?

Everybody is moving forward and I am the only one turning back and performing at the past stage...

I really want to leave my old heavy robe..

my current state of mind is hurting.. I just can sense that It feels too hurt..really too hurt..
i don't know..we even didn't have glory stories...but I feels too hurt..
I can feel my chest is too painful now..too painful...too painful..even i can't swallow food well..

and tears are also rolling down much continuously..when i think of you..

To me, I want to escape from your unknown magic magnet..
to you, I want you to be happy..

Save me from this misery.
I want to escape from you.
I want to escape from you.
I want to be free from you..

Awesome you made.

This is another bad-mouthing i ever heard. It's so hurt and so hurt.

Bravo and bravo again!!! to you for hurting me till I collapse.
You have chose the right time again to stab to my center of chest.

I shouldn't be too stupid on his illusion.

Ok, let's make it clear myself!! if not, all the confusion make me so weak and drawn..

Scenario 1: If he's with her for whatever, is it affected me badly?

Answer: If he use her for the purpose of intentionally hurting me, I will see him as he's not strong mentally as I ever thought. I don't wish to be this guy on my walking path.

Scenario 2: If he really loved her in the time being of our short glory, How would you prepare mentally?

Answer: Yes, It did hurt me so as he is so dangerous because he's using two faces for two girls and played well managerially.So?? It's better for me stopping thinking of him by all means and it automatically saves me from his smartly twists. Oh well, YES!!

Ok. That's it.

Thanks her for revealing her blog about them. It saves me from drawing into deep black hole.

13/12/2009

All that he said are Faking.
All that he behaves are changing.

Good Bye for good.

-End-

this is me at this current state of mind

yesterday i saw your status that you were finding her with a bit anger as you can't stand for her absence.

you made me pouring out tears..
that's what i don't wanna feel in this time..why can't you wait the right time to break my heart..

aw, this is another November that i was left behind. I don't want to happen another sadness in December.

That's it.. Once you made me clear, everything related about you were buried.
I was reminded of my-long-time-ago healing time as I noticed that i wanted to be with my head up to go ahead in very quickest way.

what else, i don't have anything. i didn't even own any dreams.
that's it, short story, no glory..that's it..

thanks for your reveal. if not, i would keep being drown in your own illusion...
as my friend said, have to forget him by all means. have to be busy with something. have to think other things when i want to think of him, when i want to find him.

aww, this is like another activity that i must have done successfully. ;)

...

I knew that it will happen soon.
I am always feeling the same things whenever this affairs come to me.
Even now, I can guess how it will end.

i feel so shocked of her messages in your fb.
i can guess how far you have already pleased her with whatever!..

You even now don't care in this public posts.

every time, those i supposed to belong are others side in the end unexpectedly.
every time, i am watching, faking my ugly smile, hurting so much myself for long time.

as my friend said, I am easy to love, easy to hate. but I always try to keep promises.

I have really no clue for your sudden good willing. I feel there is something good for you in return for suggesting me this advice?

It is like 'there is no free for anything' motto of your country??

I feel awkward. There is no gain, no loss between you and me.
as usual, I set my goals, i try my best to compete within myself. I have never meant to be your competitor.

Now, it became to turn up-side-down. yeah, may be what you chose was right for you.

the one who always stand your side, listening and supporting even if you are wrong..
I am not that much worthy compared to her.

Else, if you choose her just for your play toy. It would make me upset too for your attitude..

hmmm, i kept saying i have let you go..but still till, i feel like i m holding you. :(

Here again

Life is going on...
People are moving on...
and me too...
Sometime, I need to ignore every single scent of you..
On the other hand, I need to know to have a hint of reasons to leave you.

Now, The real right time seems knocking my heart to listen what's happening.
Yeah, I am not included in your social circle. I know it.
you are faking me and treating me just acting two faces.
I am head over heels for you and your sweet kindness which are in deeds covers of lies.

In reality, I am nothing to you.

I am feeling like i am completely disconnected from you..
I know you are having fun with the girl that i don't like.
I know it's the right time to have dinner together with your favourite foods and talking about me as a biggest fun/news?

they hurts me a lot and they still hurting me. you may not notice that what you are doing is right or wrong. But to the others, it feels so hurt.

I wish i will not need you again.
I really wish that's it and done. Please.

That's it at the end.

I don't like this feeling.
But this is what you want. So, why not I still let you go off.

actually, since at the beginning, I belonged nothing even a dream.

I am just a fool.

it is one kind of pain that you miss the one who is longing for another.

ha ha.. people are crazy themselves. just move on as those happening hit many time in your life. haha...

just don't sink long...wake up and leave the past. just see the present.

I wish we would never see each other for any reason in future.

hello feels like goodbye

feeling that greeting 'hello' is like saying 'goodbye'...

i wish may you be happy..

Reveal

I was not really angry at all at chat time. though i was tired arguing with that staffs in the morning, i tried to answer normally when you asked. Besides, what i said "don't worry, tell you details later", because it does not really matter for you what i happened in the morning and you also not interested in it( that's NOT what you want to know also)so that i just said briefly your questions.

the two things that you wanted to know properly is the discussions that we did repeatedly till yesterday in both online and face-to-face as well. am i right? So, why you accused me of all the random words for not much reasons. did i hide information?

I never expect that you will tell me in this way even though we were like eye-sours each other before. I thought your mouth will not come out those kind of words to me.
I was indeed angry when you start to accuse me.

Sometime (NOT all time), even though you don't like people personally, you shouldn't be selfish. Before you ask/do, you must think a bit about other's situations. You also know that I was stressed with those staffs all time. You only see/serve yourself. You only seeks on what you needs, the rest, neglect or fake.

Thanks that I knew it earlier. If not, I am still really thinking of you from positive sides. It is really.

Funny, childish at this age. hmm.

Whatever may happen, Take it if good and continue.
Whatever may happen, Leave it if bad and continue.

Drama about to end.

funny funny..
sorry..yes. the way i try to get away may be obvious.
huh...you seems believe that seeing is believing. You did come down though i shifted the time.

though you are very popular in labeling as self-centred person. you did try to be nice to me. Thanks.

And the plan is changing and changing unexpectedly..
I think, we no need to hide each other as the plan and the happenings are alternatively misdirecting us..

Ha Ha.. Tomorrow again. I must be anxious? nope but a bit anxious of seeing you again for the meeting! but got load of things to discuss with.. so forget it that tiny thing! :))

Drama

sometime, life is too wonderful and surprising..
sometime, the people you felt loathing become your close and even your crush or lover.
Since my childhood, I noticed of this thing, the people i dislike and the people whom I never expect to become friends and the people i used to draw the line from me become very close and then...happened, happened one after another...

This time, similar miracle happened and we can't escape and now i run away..I should be the first to run away from you.. because there are....12345..i don't want to mention the same reasons that you also know...I feel sorry for it as I really can't take it inside my heart...whenever i come to think of it, all the people around this school circle and No..no...I don't want people's suprise and their curious eyes..
...Shall there be fate, we shall meet..

Thanks a lot and appreciate of your care and concerns..but sorry again to stop our drama..ok?

Mood: wonderful and hurt [hurt and pain is different, you know it rite? baby..]

:(

Why complicated again? i just don't like it. It's too confused..

I just can say that i am feeling too sad.

It shouldn't be. the truth is not like this..you also know that rite?

i wish all doubts will be cleared soon. i hope...

i am afraid of it...

06/06/2009

Today is special day for me.. this evening time 2 years back, aunty was dying soon..
aunty, my heroine disappeared from my life at this time..

i made a call recently, and my mom reminded me this sadness..
oh well..time is too fast and i am about to forget today..

Aunty, i believe you are at peace above..i remember you always..

I will always take note of what you guided to me..

you are my courage, my beloved heroine.

I wish you will be happy in another life...



06-06-2007 06:04pm

busy days

i have been busy lately doing many personal things.. done a lot of outing. tired after reaching home..and fall asleep doing my study on half-way.

many things are needed to be done... now i am excited for my upcoming SIP. All the best!

Pho ni, i miss you so much lately since i accidentally heard your voice on the line.

Take care yourself and keep healthy..I will see you soon. :) *wink*

27-04-2009

the 2nd time, my phone line's outgoing call was cut off. I paid last month's bill for 500 but i couldn't remember exactly how much was for it. When i noticed that i can't make a call from my phone, i knew i didn't payment fully though i thought it will cover for last month bill because i can't recall where i kept my ph bill letter while i was moving to new house.

the 1st time was during 2nd year, 2nd sem exam period. At that time, i forgot to pay bill as I was busy like hell with my studies. hummmz..

I still left to pay ph bill. I made a call to 1633 and made inquiries of my account bal for 2 phones. 1st is 120.70, 2nd is 366.90. :( Now, i used back to 1818 card. I abandons my laziness to press buttons.


I made a call to ygn. mom said, sister-in-law is going to give birth soon. i felt that mom is excited to see her 1st grandchildren. While i heard about it, i wanted to go back to ygn quickly coz i am afraid that my attachments with my parents wouldn't tie tightly because of the distance.

i am still not used to hearing about this blessing news. May be, i am afraid that my parents will love that child than me. haha.. stop thinking of it. if not, i can't do anything already. i m still childish. *sigh*.

anyway, i am glad for my brother and my sister-in-law. have a happy and successful family!

-----

Ouch! lots of things to do.
--sign off--

good to know

Thanks god!..

recently, i wanted to delete this blog as my usual habit keeps calling for it. :)

but, i read through some posts before doing it and i found out that reading some lines make me remember what I did in every single day..How good is that..

I can feel every single day how i have been keep running. Then i leave this personal blog from deleting. :) I hope, my friends can't find it so that i no need to shy on whatever i wrote here.

A lot of unforeseen things happen during this week and all were a good experiences to me. So much valuable. Thanks gods.

one thing i found out is that we must appreciate and good to those who supports you who are willing to see you successful and who guides you to the right track and who give a hand while you are in trouble. We must appreciate and respect those people.
People including me know it but forget how to show your appreciation and respect to them, forget to say out from your mouths.

Remember that you are lucky even if you have only 1 person who supports you!. :)
-----

thaw2, thanks for your words, i appreciate it.
it goes the same way as mine.
don't take in so much, else you are left to carry those heavy pains..how? No, no..
it is not good for you...

Be happy and enjoy life and do good things for you in most of your time...
Knowing yourself is better than explaining to others to understand but, sometime, explanation can extend mutual understanding between two people and even among them.

Ok? be happy then..don't think of bad things much..don't spoil yourself,girl ^^

i have many to-do lists..
tmr: app and pack
sataurday: move-in time
sunday, need to buy and collect many things.

wishing getting new roomate for other room soon..

pray for it. ^^

spend time wisely.

btw, my 2nd phone bill: S$906.46 for two months. ;)
i was not able to keep my promise.
then now, i promise myself secretly, next month, no more over 100. haha of course!

07-04-2009

Yesterday was a pain..
I was not at good mood..

planing for new apartment made me busy.
School project and presentation make me worried.

Then, I called you and talking serious like a shit..but you didn't take as a serious talk. You feel i was annoying.
Sometime, I hate you, mam. You understand more on your sons rather than me.

One more thing, you always say on almost everything in favor of your sons. I don't like it at all. you can say me that it is my jealousy. It can be said.

Ok, I will not make a call. Even i leave for my SIP. I will not make!..

You always say "Fair", "Fair". I don't just get it. Ok. love even 528,is not good.

Just wait your son's call and have countless sweet conversations.

Current mood: I don't love you mam, either dad.

Callings

sorry to hear it again.
As long as you are right, keep walk on your road..
I agreed the choice you did.
At the end, you will find the things that understand your values.
Look for the end..In mean while, you can't decide that you are like a loser..NEVER..
i wish your expectation is too high...but anyway, i really can assure that you will get the job suitable with your career...
just keep holding on!

..
...
.....

then again hang up as I heard your gf's voice telling you to give her present in facebook game. aww...yaahh...we are friends..now...

happy that you treats me as your close friends..i will appreciate more now as i never appreciated..

I will not change.

it is wasted of energy if you think too much for rootless reasons.

where else is the best compared to the rest?


pointless!

I must say again, IT IS TOO GOOD TO TAKE IN. :((

why...

still need to explain further??

Infront of me, YES. Behind me, what else can you think from it?? what's so abstract??


you make me a bit upset..

Packed.

Time is too tight.
I have many things to do.
I need to use personal planner again.

I wish i were a ROBOT so that i will not need to sleep as well.
Recently, i am feeling like sleeping is a Disease because I DON'T want to sleep.

yesterday, Ph Bill for old one : $590:05. I need to check why it was so much..
I wish the new one will be less than that.
Really scared how to explain my mom. I am always short of money for my monthly expense.
I am really spendthrift. I am always feeling guilty. I always wanted to control. But, somehow, still i can't manage to do it.



*I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP*

The looks

I got 2 supervisors for my project as one of them is very damn busy. so, he attached another lecs to my project. He is very good to student and really handful. He is really a nice teacher as far as I knew.
Now, what I wanted to note down here is about the attached supervisor,SHE.
I remembered the day i was introduced with her by my supervisor. She looks a bit new to this TP workplace yet looks strong in technical field.
At first impression, i gave all 100 marks to her by my own. :)
She's too sweet. so soft and looks alike Japanese or Korean girl. it can be said that she's in pretty list,slim and charming.
Compared to other still new women lecs, she is damn polite and sweet and always wear smile.

Yes, phyusin..Yes, phyusin..I like the way she calls me. :)

For me, I am a bit lazy to update the status and I only want to update if the process is successful. So, she approached me in a sweet way to submit whatever it is with errors or not. Then, I regularly update status update even everyday. :) i like to do it after that. :)

Beside, I found out the good thing from her recently...
She don't help me in my coding and i also never ask for it..but sometime, she give ideas and logics that really helps me a lot though they were small things.

I think that is her own manner and habits.. i hope.. :)
I don't know how she's really doing at my unreachable side but i am really delightful and pleased to see her everyday.. :) don't think wrong..

other groups told me that they envoys me as 2 of my Supvs are too good and nice. They wish if they have them and they don't like their current spv as he's is damn strict in everything.. :)

everytime i hear about their compliance on my supervisors, i always wear stretch-out smile on my face. :)

I wish i were like her.. like sweet and chaming and polite..
My look is not girly and sometime, not polite. most time, never wear smile.
I should change. :)
I personally like her.
She's my favorite teacher among my best selected lecs.

I have never had feeling stressed being with my supervisors. They always support me..
I love them.

12/03/2009

today, a lot of work.
suddenly, classmate told me that he got a letter from post office last 2 days ago for the training.
i was worried what if i didn't get it. I also didn't check the letterbox yesterday.
i barely concentrate on my project.
i straight away went back to home and checked. As i expected, there was nothing inside that postbox. i did feel worried..
I went back again to check the soft copy of that letter. what a coincidence, they put the wrong unit number on my address.
Once i noticed about it, i went to the GO and told about this matter.
again, i can't wait to go and check that wrong unit that might still keep my letter.
i went back early and checked but could't find as all unit number in my block is even number. So, i gave up and went to home. It is sure i need to check with SPO.
I want to keep that original letter in case it will be granted for my further processing. what else? should i ask to send me again? or it would be great if post office holds that package for me for a certain length of time so that i can take back if i am free.
--

yesterday, I had 3 presentations and managed to demo well. It happened what I expected. Anyway, this project is also used by the other event and i need to do some slight changes. I can give the time till weekend for it.
--

I wanted to start the further steps for the next project that is really related to the project I am going to do in my SIP.
Other mate said it can be finished within 1 month. possible? It can say so. Yet not sure. why? you even don't know how to lay out the project? how you can do it?
Do research first and networking parts.
I like shortcut but sometime, I can't jump over for things. I must make some commitment myself before to deal with these people. why?
there are more on coding work than documentations and slides and

"You will take part less in coding and more on documentation stuffs"?
I am willing to do even entirely but how? if you say so in that way, you will never realize how deep is the coding work and you can't say that this project can be done less than a month without taking part in development stage. Instead of saying in the air, let's dig the project chart 1st and target it.
--

i still can't decide on which project i should choose. Currently, i want to choose my 1st project. It is really feasible and can use in many context area. Extra thing i wanted to do is one embedded feature. I need to tune 1st project for this feature.
for the 2nd project, I must do it as it's similar to the project over there but i can't see it as my project even if it will be so called the best. I need to wait time to make a decision.
--
My mother warmed me not to spend on the phone calls. Over there,grandmother was hospitalized and she's now in serious condition. my parents were very busy with it and other matters. I kept calling on everyday for not so sure matters. Lately, I miss my parents. i wanted to see them. i longed for conversations with my parents. my projects didn't let me go back for 2 weeks. besides, i do miss "Pho Ni". I was worried he will be there alive when i go back as he's now in more than 16. I just heard he's doing fine and keeping himself healthy. how clever he is.
--
Second to last, I want to find another flat with my friend. (2+1 or 3+1). I want to move a bit nearer to the center area. I pray I could find a good one before SIP.
--
Last but not least, I can't wait the time of my dip life.

I miss you

i heard about you a lots..Pho ni..

you are surrounded by your enemies so that you even daren't to go outside?
always need to accompany by ppl to go and pee? ^^

take good care, my fat baby..
i heard how you are so clever and smart..i always feel proud of you...
i miss you so much..miss you so much...

you must take good care yourself before i come back..
eat a lot, sleep well and feel happy...

i trust you..

Happy Birthday to Monkey

Today is your birthday, and Happy birthday to you,

wish you happy and healthy and
all the best and
all the happiness with your girl.

sorry that i can't make a call.

2 years over is really enough to forget. It is only a matter of time.

Now, I can manage over it.

so afraid without having much reasons

so so shocked..
in the same lab, got other student MP presentation and there were 2 Lecs that i am afraid the most. ;(

i even can't do coding...shaking knees..

really really scared..
can't look at them..
run away to canteen but can't leave my laptop and school's laptops for so long..
and i sit and i hide behind from PC.

i scared...scared..

why?? may be because of what? arhh ignore!

go,go back quickly.. :(

Silence

I care, I fell..
all the words i take in spoiled my mind..

The scene, i see, i feel bruise.

I closed my ears. I sit and stare..

i fell.

i fell.

i call...

*damn 600+ for my ph bill and 100+ for old ph bill*
minus again and again fr my saving for trip..

afraid to tell to my parents..

Ho Bisogno Damore - Paolo Meneguzzi

Ho Bisogno D'amore By Paolo Meneguzzi

Translated lyrics:

some evenings the light extinguished and remains for
hours alone with me
rest there with the radio turned to look in dark because
I come to terms with my life and then say to me now or never..
I try the best intentions all crying mistakes because
I need love and open my heart
in a world that runs faster than me
to look for my sense of things that
I think i need you
tell me where are you...
rest there to look in the mirror and I wonder if
one day I'll meet
maybe tonight you also want to talk with me because
you need love and open your heart
in a world that runs faster than you
to look for your sense of things that I think
you need me
tell me where are you...
you need love .. i need you
I need love and open my heart
in a world that runs faster than me
to look for my tiny and immense sense
i need you
tell me where are you
I need love .. i need you
you need me..
tell me where are you..
i need you..
tell me where are you...

~~~~-----------------------------~~~

buried in the past?

another year is already coming..
this is the start of journey and
still i am bringing along the past..
yet you have left almost the things you feel the most.
but i can't still turn off all those things..i am holding on..
i love you and i still do..

you said..those are the most hurt things and the pains deepest..
you said..at last you know how to put down everything..
you said..let all the sadness be a past and..
you said..so no need to think so much...
just push aside your new goals..is it possible for you to forget everything that your used-to-be..and the thoughts sticking to your mind?

in a certain situation, you may forget..
in a certain struggle time, you might forget..but
there are always time for the thoughts that make you smile and cry..and
the things that your heart is always listening will never turn off from your mind..i know..

I am not happy.
i am seeing different of you...and feeling like a knife turned inside my chest..
I will be waiting a day that you will call me again when you need me in deed..
like before, i still can feel, hurt so much when it comes to think of you..

i wish you get a job sooner..and happy with your life over there.

this is a dream.

this early morning before i woke up, i was dream of you..
in that dream, you're strange to me..and all fr you looks like pretends..

i knew that our connection is end soon..since i got your reply mails..

you changed totally that i didn't expected. i also didn't hope so much but that make my feeling upon you to the most down side and feel like suddenly stop for my warmth to you..

I know i am also too serious..i know that's not good for me..
i should stop of dreaming about you, caring about you,holding so-called left attachment to you...should stop...should stop.......................

=)

=)

haha..

you are my baby anyway! you are! yes.

i like this feeling.

Your Anthony Chang Song............

Anthony Chang ( 郑伟康 )-倔强爱着你

stepping into another year..and i never wanted to think back..but..
yesterday, i saw ur ex blog and she wrote a post of memory of 2007..and she mentioned that she was lost of contact with you recently. haha..all ex are still remembering you and..did you call her and talked her like you did the same to me after broke up?? i don't wanna think whatever it is.
Chinese new year is coming soon and i know you will go back to your hometown, miri...


Although I am also lost of contact with you, i remember you...and here, i posted two songs that you liked to listen before as new year presents for you.

wishing you have a good job and happy life over there..
and..i wonder when you will contact me and give me your new number..
anyway, it doesn't matter whatever you do, but never disappear without notices..